I know my rights…

(soundtrack The BreakUp)


I think she’s an emotional terrorist,
a master manipulator. I knew it early on. I got sucked in, despite knowing
better. I thought I could and would do something different. I wasn’t going to
fix her because she didn’t need to be fixed. I was going to love her where she
was. I was going to love, affirm, and support her.

In retrospect I have nobody to blame, but myself. I knew. I could have, should
have, would have listened but my ego is too big. I saw the signs, I saw the
bodies, I saw the carnage of the previous relationships, but I thought I was
different. I thought I was special. I thought that I had ascended from
apprehensive acquaintance to full family. I was nothing. I am now a body.

We ended it amicably. We had conversations. We did proper checkouts. It was over,
and we went our separate ways. Slowly others ghosted or faded from the picture
as well, new alliances were formed. They did not check out. I think ghosting is just another form of
emotional terrorism…

I soldiered on. I was
strong. I kept a smile on my face. I didn’t gossip.  I was minimally petty. I didn’t say unkind
things. I was the bigger person. I withdrew my support silently. I kept moving
forward, but when her name was spoken I had violent reactions. My body would
become heavy and my spirit vexed, sometimes to the point of becoming physically
ill. The seer told me in a reading many months ago to extract myself, to cut
all ties. I should have, could have, would have listened. I kind of listened. I
DID NOT listen.

I heard what she was doing, I knew what she was doing because people told me
and because I looked. We were still “friends” on social media. Periodically, I
would torture myself by going to her feeds and forcing a like, reaction, or
comment long after she stopped reciprocating. I convinced myself of her generosity,
extrapolated from the times that she had done me some kindness. I convinced
myself that along a long enough timeline it would all be ok. We would be ok. We
would be friends, maybe family again.

I am clear now, my own behavior was toxic. I felt like I had to stay connected
to control the narrative. I felt like I had to stay connected to control my
image. I didn’t want my own judgments about me to be true. Maybe I wasn’t a
good friend, sister, person.


It took me months to
finally admit how hurt I was. It took me months to finally admit to myself let
alone another human how afraid, sad, broken, disappointed, betrayed and angry I
felt. I was at the precipice of Angry Black Woman. Not the trope, but the
reality of being chronically angry.  I
reached out to a long- time friend and asked him, “What is an Angry Black
Woman?”  His words resonated with the
truth taking up space in my mind, body, and spirit. 


“A chronically angry, black, woman is one who has been
disappointed over and again; not wanting to give up or lower [her] expectations
[she] sizzles with discontent.”

I made a choice that day
not to jump, not to fall, not to be sucked into to that place.
I admitted all my pain, to myself. I acknowledged that I needed time to rest,
heal, and recover. I called it going on hiatus.


What dropped into my spirit
brought me into alignment with my reality. I needed a sabbatical. I didn’t need
to hit pause. This was not an interruption, break, opening. This was a closing.
This was an intentional stopping and going inward to access the damage and
taking time to rehabilitate. An intentional opportunity to clean, suture, and
maybe even cauterize my wounds.

A day later… she texted
out of the blue. Fishing for a compliment. She had accomplished a thing. I knew
what the thing was before I asked, before she shared. We haven’t spoken in
months. She sent a text to make sure I wasn’t swept away in Hurricane Irma, but
so did another toxic individual- after all, they are not without their humanity.
I did not get drawn in. I did not respond with shade, pettiness, anger, bitterness,
or even indifference. I stood in my feelings and responded, “Good for you. I am
on Sabbatical. Peace.” And without missing a beat the follow up message, “I’m
getting ready to go to [redacted] to [redacted].”  My response, “I’m mentally and spiritually in
a place of healing currently and I am not in a space to discuss [redacted].
Good for you and your accomplishments.” Finally, the dry “Thanks” came through.
She understood. But just in case she didn’t, I sent “Peace” and then I blocked
her from texting/calling me. 


It had been months,
maybe a year or more since I found myself to be in a toxic enough space to feel
the need to block a real person that I had once had a relationship with. (I do
not consider blocking trolls to be the same, that is a necessary health measure
I exercise regularly.)

This was reclaiming my time, space, self, wellness,
and mental health in real time.  

I very carefully backed out
of all spaces we once shared. I had unfollowed months ago.  I had unfriended weeks ago. (Yes, she called
after I had unfriended her). Now, was the time for me to make bold moves,
execute radical Self Care and Self Love. In this moment, I began to
systematically and ritualistically block her on every social media platform
that I have. With each restriction I visualized myself, retracting a piece of
myself and becoming whole. My whole is now fragmented, and I am actively
recovering all the pieces. I will pull those pieces together and bond them and
fill in the spaces and gaps until I feel full and restored.


Kintsugi is recognizing the beauty in broken things.

Maybe I will fill in the spaces with gold or glitter.

I am clear now about my role in my ongoing psychological and spiritual warfare.
I am clear now on how I invited and hosted this drama in my life. I am clear
about what I owe myself. I am clear about my rights and responsibilities to myself.

Unfollow, unfriend, pause and block are all forms of Self Care that I owe to
[re]Claiming my self, time, space, mental health, well-being, and spirit are imperative
and are acts of Radical Self Love. Because I care for myself I can disengage from
toxicity (behavior and relationships) without guilt or shame. I DO NOT have to fix things. I DO NOT have to be the bigger person.
Negotiating/engaging with an emotional terrorist DOES NOT make me better, it is unhealthy.

I have the right NOT to interact.

I have the right to protect my spaces in/on
social media.

I have a right to deny access.

I dictate what is safe and healthy for my
overall well-being.


Adventures in BEing Sober

Hey Y’all Hey!

So it’s another week and I am not even counting the days of sobriety anymore… I know that for the immediate future I will still not be drinking… And also remaining sober…

Yes, you read that correctly. Not drinking and sobriety are different things. Not drinking, simplly means abstaining from alcohol, while being sober is about being present, aware, and clear.

Sound a little abstract and New-Agey?

Maybe it is… Maybe because when I started shedding the bullshit, I literally made room and space for me to BE and to Be Open to some clear and possibly different interpretations and impressions related to the High Power, me, and Life…

No, I still haven’t been to a meeting, but the meetings (as they were) have been coming to me. That is to say… I have been finding the messages that I needed (or rather they have found me) and the guidance and the support and then some more messages that revealed and confirmed what I needed. (Messages are soooooooooo much better than challenges on top of growth for the growth through challenges while growing through growth.)

It’s actually very straight forward and not abstract or obtuse at all… When you get clear, the path opens up for you to get and have what you need.

One of the things that I have been consistent about is drinking tea…

Yes, Tea! I have even ritualized the tea… Making it part of my daily regimen of getting started. Taking time to read those little inspirational tea tags. It’s a simple thing that sometimes has a profound effect. Maybe it gives me advice, sometimes a challenge, and always something to share. 

Another thing I have done has been to change my eating habits gradually… So over the last month, especially since detoxing, I have been returning to a plant-based, whole foods lifestyle. No, not a diet… (Remember up there when I said I shed the bullshit, DIETS ARE BULLSHIT… Temporary quick fixes… and as quickly as you do it and get results, is about how quickly you’ll be back to whatever you were on before)>>>>Steps off of soap box<<<< 

So… Yeah I have just been adding more fruits and vegetables and actually eating breakfast!!! LISTEN, there are plenty of times I’ll say and stand by “FUCK WHAT YA HEARD!”

Breakfast being the most important meal of the day, is not one of those times.

Now… that we have cleared that up… 

Getting proper rest, nutrition, and some dose of something good for your spirit will set you up for success everyday. Like seriously, when things get difficult (and they will and do) trust me that being tired and hungry (undernourished physically and spiritually) will only exacerbate the issue.

So yeah, put good things in so you can get good things out. There is no specific dogma that I am a fan of or promote, just listen to yourself, what aligns with you, what feels balanced. Hell, I meditate and do yoga, sometimes while listening to trap music… What works, works  and The Truth is already there. 

My balance currently looks like revisiting Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much. I have been reading this book for about three years and this year from a space of clarity I am receiving so much gold from it and I have finally been able to retire the Title, Crown and Scepter as The Empress of Excessive Activities. Oh and not pick up some more stuff… I am BEing and not DOing. Gloooray!!! 

I am also doing real Sankofa work (click here for more info) with Mother Iyanla, going back 15 years and completing One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. Yeah, it’s work… All of the work!!! And I finally fell back in love with myself in a way that I am clear I haven’t in a long time that allows me to know that I am worth it… <<< That sounded a little corny and cliche… But shit, IT’S TRUE!!!

I am currently listening to good music, eating good food, drinking good water, getting good rest, and receiving good messages from everywhere (even the ones that don’t feel good initially)…  And I wish the same for you. 

Well, WE made it another week! Happy FriYay Y’all!!! 

To keep up with the journey daily… like the page on FB and follow on IG.

Until Next Time…

Love, Light and All The Beauty,

Adventures in…The last 28.


But it’s
FriYAY… not WINSday, what’s this blog doing here? And who moved
your cheese? It’s here because I finally am feeling more together
and have completed 28 days of sobriety (Yep, like Rehab. But, you
know, not).

And me… I
moved your damned cheese. And for the time being Adventures In…
will be posted on FriYAYS!!!

Long story
less long… around Day 22, I realized that I had lots of gaps and
that I hadn’t posted promised blogs in like 2 or 3 weeks (but I
have posted the inspirational/spiritual things and my journey inward
consistently… so there is that) …And also around Day 22 it seemed
like everything was converging so quickly, I couldn’t find the time
or energy to write (and then I also got mad at y’all because things
were hard and I was wondering why nobody was like no Malaika… Stop…
Don’t do that shit… Chill).

By the way, I
got over my Big, Huge Mad at y’all when I realized I was really
just Big, Huge mad at me… So we still cool, right?


Things to keep
in mind (or know if you are just now joining this adventure):

was diagnosed with
General Anxiety and has been mostly on meds for the better part of 20

* I was
diagnosed with Acute Social Anxiety Disorder, Bi-Polar (Manic
Depression was the official original diagnosis), Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder, and PTSD. I am med free for 15 years, self-medicating with
alcohol for 25 years.

did a 3 week step
down from Effexor.

* I quit
drinking cold turkey.

using Kava Kava.
(still experimenting)

* She
and I are detoxing
(which involves withdrawals from actually coming off of drugs and

* She
and I are two
women off of everything (including our rockers) living and loving and
navigating the world with diagnosed mental illnesses. What could go


Seriously, I
have been a smooth mix of Zen & Grimy… Like my mantra has been…


Things look
crazy most days… Really crazy… Highly emotional. We are both
water signs a Cancer and a Pisces (just imagine a calm sea, that
turns into that thing from Pirates of the Caribbean when Calypso is
released or The Kraken).

No, really we have both been
walking on egg shells for the past 4 weeks… And those eggs shells
are really a mine field of emotional trigger bombs… This is only
the slightest of exaggerations… Because between the nausea,
sometimes vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, and dizziness, there is also
the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the shame, the passive-aggressive,
petty, and fragile. 

Towards the beginning this me on
a daily: 


nah I mean REALLY?”
2. “Gimme 5 feet”
3. “Oh My
GAWD, why?”
4. “Fuck this shit!”
5. “Auuuuuummmmm”

at Day 28… Trust it’s a lot more: 


Now that I am
on this side of the first 28 and things look a lot clearer. Let me
say… I think me, Her,
and Amy (God Bless
The Dead) should’ve taken our asses to rehab… Because we, she,
and I almost didn’t make it…

But here we are… I have
28 days and she is
counting in months now. And we are still alive.


there is one thing I can say for sure from here. SELF-CARE and
SELF-LOVE are imperatives and you have to get to the point where you
love and care enough about you that you choose your good health.


wait… I’m getting ahead of myself and there is so much I want to
share… Because that is what happens when you have 2 solid weeks of
notes of the crazy that has ensued… And a week of silence and
challenges and growth and challenges on top of your challenges for
your growth.


won’t keep you long ( well not COGIC/Holiness/Black Church on
Pastor’s Appreciation Day long) since I plan on making this an
on-going conversation.

things first, there is has been hella growth over the last month for
both of us… (although I cannot speak directly for what it looks
like for her,
I can certainly share how I experienced it.)

1. She
NOT drink the Kava Tea… I was mad at first, then I drank it and I
relaxed… I have several teas for relaxing… The teas don’t work
fast enough in a crisis (blow up or melt down) but overall, they are
great for unwinding at the end of the day. You have to learn some
other skills to deal otherwise Kava Kava, St. John’s Wort, a
rabbit’s foot, or four leaf clover are just doing the same thing
the drugs and alcohol do/did. They will treat the symptom, but not
cure the disease or heal the wound.


By all definitions I am a recovering alcoholic. High Functioning,
HELL YEAH! And it may come as a surprise to some but the reason why I
can “handle my liquor,” is because I have had lots of practice,
social drinking to ease my acute social anxiety, drinking to be
social (fun, the life of the party), drinking to celebrate, drinking
to ease pain (physical and emotional), drinking to feel normal and
balanced, drinking because of sadness, or out of anger… Drinking
because I have to go to school or work or because I don’t. Rest
assured I am not being extra… Before I chose sobriety (which is
different than “I quit drinking”) I was drinking an average of ½
gallon on hard liquor a week (that does not include drinks when I
went out or wine in addition to the hard liquor). So yeah… Not sure
what that means, check it out here.
familiar… Maybe should should take a look at this
finally you are an adult (hopefully, though I was not when I started
drinking… And thank the Gawds of Melanin I don’t look like what I
have drank or been through) I can suggest you drink responsibly, I
can tell you to get help or quit drinking or heal the wound, but
ultimately the decision is yours and I am too averse to standing on
soap boxes, so I’ll just leave this
in case you recognize an issue and want to do something about it…
You know something less unorthodox than your own DIY rehab/detox.

If you are serious you will have to detox because it takes longer
than a week or two or 28 days to become sober. You will have quit
drinking and be triggered and or have cravings. And you may have
physical symptoms (Remember when she

was sick at work? Well before it was all over, I was sick. Shakes,
sweats, joint pain, bowel issues, fatigue…IT was ugly). I did a


was helpful in getting the shit (literally) out of my system.
addition you will have to detox your lifestyle and that may mean
avoiding people, places, and thing that are related to the behavior
until you get to a place where you have some skills to navigate those
spaces (and you may not have those or get those skills).  So you
might have to detoxify your relationships, social media feeds, music…

I did all of that… I Feng Shuied my Facebook Feed and my home. I
created a sanctuary in my office, both a sacred and safe space for me
to retreat to… I used IG for accountability and shared my daily
meditations. And I meditated, did yoga, drank a whole jar of holy
water… No, I didn’t but I did reconcile with my love or Erykah’s
Music and  eat good and healthy food. 

This is by no means
an exhaustive list of the process. But it’s a start and as I
said….WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY up there, this will be happening FriYAYs and
I will be taking your through this with me…

To keep up
with the journey daily… like the page on FB and follow on

Next Time…

Love, Light and All The Beauty,


This week we talk gaming, writing about tough Socio-Political Issues, and Mental Health with phenomenal Journalist and frequent For Harriet contributor Anna Gibson, Richard Douglas Jones leads us in a total geek out about ‪#‎StarWars‬ toys and ‪#‎ForceFriday‬, Markus Seaberry defends the upcoming “Totally Awesome Hulk” in ‪#‎ComicCorner‬ and of course I LOOOOOOOVE back to school shopping for Thing 1 & Thing 2 because school supplies means pens and things in ‪#‎PENtervention‬! Also guess who’s getting ‪#‎Westies‬! All on this week’s Black Nerd Power‪#‎BNPIfYaNasty‬ ‪http://www.theoamnetwork.com/bnp/2015/9/8/episode-64-the-one-with-technical-difficulties