Pumpkin SWEET POTATO ERRRTHANG!
I been sitting on
this for year… Thinking it would go away, then I went to get my
morning coffee and this happened! Not a Hazelnut! Not a French
Vanilla. Not a Half & Half. Too Far Y’all!!! Too Far!!!
I don’t know who
told somebody that Pumpkin Spice was the move. But somebody tole
everybody and everybody put that *ish in and on ERRTHANG! What was
once a nutritious, novel, fall delicacy; reminding me of good jokes
about not-SWEET–POTATO pies, one of the few Pagan
Holidays I could openly celebrate and the warmest parts of Autumn is
now the rotted and festering Jack-O-Latern afflicting my soul come
First, Second and
Third of all if you love Pumpkin Spice then everything written here
will prolly make you build a pillow fort in yo feelings and I’ll be
atop a list of people you wanna try the dislike button on. So…. I
strongly suggest you avert your attention and direct it back to the
overpriced Tall, Soy, Half-Caff, Double whatever, Pumpkin Spice
Coffee drink that you are likely consuming. Because I care. About
you. Not about Pumpkin Spice.
Now then, Pumpkin in
general is aight or whatever. But Pumpkin Spice represents the type
of Capitalist, Consumerism, Elitist folly I rail against. It is the
vegetation upon which I cast awlada shade. The object of my enmity
and the entity at which I direct all the Petty Memes I can acquire.
And Spice to Pumpkin, the lowly, destitute, indigent Spice is the
unfortunate companion that shares Pumpkin’s fortunes.
I’ve had a
pedestrian relationship with Pumpkin, basically carving and seeds
(which are secondary to Sunflower Seeds, David’s™
if you’re nice, Polly Seeds of you’re nasty…) My experience with
Pumpkin Pie taught me it is the diametric opposition to any ornate
dessert table at Family Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s dinner
celebrations. Bringing a Pumpkin Pie to a family gathering could get
your card pulled, your Black called into question, get your cool
points taken, hell possibly a lien on your house. Everybody knows
that Sweet Potato Pie is the King of Pies at Black Dinner Services.
Pumpkin Pie is the bougie cousin who shows up trying to get
the family to abolish chittlins from the menu and spouting off all of
the facts and figuring for her argument… eem though the fam
know and don’t care.
I had Pumpkin Pie
one time though with my friend Emily or Jessica, maybe Heather; and
the Cool Whip they put on top couldn’t fool me into thinking it was
anything other than NOT-SWEET-POTATO-PIE.
It didn’t have the
right texture, density, sweetness, that little glaze on top. The
crust was too light, I think they used margarine or canola oil. I
know ain’t nobody put no Pet Milk or Condensed Milk in it. I’m
convinced it was only seasoned with one thing, YUP… that one
nondescript bottle labeled PUMPKIN SPICE Seasoning.
Ain’t naan person eyeball the cinnamon and nutmeg as they tapped it
out from it’s INDIVIDUAL container into the mixing bowl.
Pumpkin Pie was the Light Skinned imitator of Sweet Potato Pie.
Chicanery. And Spice, poor, insignificant Spice, the less savory
friend playing wingman, just came along to get out the house…hoping
to get noticed.
Pumpkin Spice is
like the Milli Vanilli (God Bless the Dead) of seasonings. They want
us to believe it’s the MVP, but it ain’t real. It’ a fraudulent
flavor trying to convince us of it’s greatness, when it’s really
SWEET POTATO that does all
the work. Pumpkin Spice is Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder.
appropriating… Okay reach game was way strong on that one. But you
see where I’m going. Pumpkin Spice was supposed to be an innovation,
a trend that faded. But it just keeps coming back and worse
yet growing ERRRR year!
Everybody is drinking the
Lattes, Tea, Beer and going
along with the madness. What The
Ghosts of Negroes Past and
wanna know is
will SWEET POTATO
some shine… We already know the answer. NEVER!
cannot simply conjure
is Sweet Potato Pie, place
it in a
slap SPICE on the end…
ain’t even got a name? Just
“with other natural flavors.”
do that would be to distill it and well then it might as well Pumpkin
could be a thing,
would be like Fun Dips or sum’n though, you would have little
packets that had to be mixed together and each packet would be
eyeball measured. I
the campaign for awesome Sweet Potato flavored treats… Because Sweet Potato is delicious and nutritious. And to very clear, SWEET POTATO is not YAM. OH and Sweet Potato things would actually taste like Sweet Potato Pie because I’ve tasted Pumpkin and
Pumpkin Spice flavored things ( to formulate an informed opinion of
course) and really Pumpkin Spice is more like Flavor Inspiration than
a Spice. It’s Dennis Edwards replacing David Ruffin in the
Temptations… It’s good, but it ain’t David Ruffin.
folks don’t know how to act I’m afraid this would happen…
And DAMMIT Sweet Potato is like a National Treasure!!! Sweet Potato don’t deserve this flagrant disrespect!!!!
the Spice in Sweet Potato Pie is in there. Mixing, mingling, moving,
shaking. Hell, being Spicy. Because Cinnamon is a strong, sweet,
sassy, slightly-spice Spice that
could hold it down by itself, but chose Sweet Potato to make
beautiful pie with.
Again, lots of
Cinnamon flavored things and I’m a big fan. But you don’t see this
happening with or for Cinnamon. Though they kind tried it with Cinnamon Jacks.
Ultimately as much
as I love SWEET POTATO I’m
okay with it remaining a well kept secret. Much like only some us know Lift Every Voice and Sing. Because the Pumpkin Spice
Craze has shown me in no uncertain terms that somebody can’t be trusted and errrbody don’t know how to
act about Pumpkin Spice… And me and the Ancestors will be damned if y’all do this to